The puer aeternus, or ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’

4885731902_9e2a428240_oDo you ever come across men who have an engaging charm, spontaneity and creativity but who somehow seem emotionally very young and perhaps ungrounded?

Chances are you are thinking of the puer aeternus* archetype, also known as the ‘Peter Pan syndrome’. Puer aeternus means ‘eternal boy’ in Latin and the name was coined by psychologist Carl Jung to describe an archetype, i.e. a kind of symbol of a certain type of behaviour or energy that is part of all our psyches.

These kind of men can drive women mad, as they usually have a very attractive energy and are fun to be with. Yet, deep down, they’re not really interested in a mature relationship with a woman.

Peter Pan is a great example of the puer (pronounced ‘poo-air’), as he is a boy who never grows up but who just wants to fly, to have fun. An obvious example of the puer is Michael Jackson, who was also besotted with the Peter Pan story.

The puer is a free spirit who lives for the moment. He represents youth, passion, idealism, beauty and creativity.   These are all positive qualities. The danger is when a man becomes so identified with this archetype, this energy, that he neglects other values that do not fit in with the puer. These other values include taking responsibility, sticking at things, and self-discipline.

The negative side of the puer is that he can be rather grandiose or self-centered an, shy away from the more difficult or mundane tasks of life. He often also struggles in relationships with women, enjoying the early excitement and passion but unable to stick with the demands of a committed relationship once the honeymoon period is over.

In his book Iron John, author Robert Bly describes these men as ‘flying boys’: “Peter Pan belongs among the flyers, as do most ashram habitués, devotees of ‘higher consciousness’…and some Don Juans who want such heavenly perfection in women that they are obliged to leave each one in whom they fail to find the missing pearl.”

There is an argument that the puer is the product of an overprotective and domineering mother, and an absent or passive father. Hence, while he may want to seduce or is ‘in love with being in love’, he struggles with making an authentic, deeper connection with a woman.

While the puer may appear happy and carefree, there is a depression in his soul. In fact his soaring is a compensation for the emptiness he is only dimly aware of.

Bly says that the task for the puer is to descend, in psychological terms, to experience hardship of some kind. This could mean experiencing major loss of some kind, such as a job, a bereavement, an illness, a divorce. Experiencing the descent enables the puer to become aware of the painful feelings that have always been there but not previously acknowledged. In working through the hardship, knuckling down to life’s blows where previously he would have flown away, the puer begins to grow up.

Accepting the parts of him that previously he ran away from – the shame, the sadness, the feelings of not being good enough – is another way of saying that the puer begins to discover his own ‘shadow’. This was the term Jung used to describe that part of us that we don’t like and therefore deny.

This also seems to be one of the lessons of Peter Pan, as Peter loses his shadow when he flies into the house of the Darling family. He becomes afraid of it because it is so big and seems to have a life of his own. He only gets it back when Wendy sews it back on.

Like Peter, puers need to acknowledge their shadow shelf, the part of themselves that they have rejected, in order to mature and truly be in relationship with a woman.









By Patrick McCurry

I'm a psychotherapist based in Canary Wharf, London, and Eastbourne, UK.

5 replies on “The puer aeternus, or ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’”

I am returning agaq8in and again to this post with deep gratitude. I am very well introduced into this problems, since I’ve read M. L. von Franz’ Puer Aeternus decades ago. Now I am faced with this problem through my new partner, one year old relationship, one month living together. I wonder how could I cause a sufering period in his life, so he would get aware of his everyday’s fashism in the noblest way, but sometimes also in the most infantile and verbaly agresive manner. I am at the end, because absolutely nothing works together with him. And his constant avoiding of eachs ituation where he should prove his responsibility for our ‘thing’ makes me mad and sad. He really drives me crazy and we leave together for one month only. I can do nothing but start to sabotage his erotic suggestions for sex and closeness, because it seems nothing else will work.

Hi there. I met a guy like this a year ago. He’s 49, I was unhappy in my six years of relationship, ended it for him. He wanted to move in immediately, it was heaven after being with two partners with psychological issues, for 11 years. After three months we moved in, but at this point, I’ve already wiped away various concerns. He’s had loads of very short “relationships”, affairs,female friends he’s been physically close to, some of them he’s promised a relationship but really dumped them badly, all of a sudden, he still meets up with Exes a lot, he’s never had a job for longer than a few months, he forgets about appointments, can’t stick to even the smallest agreements in our relationship. Now I, a 46 year old woman, married twice, raised two adult kids on my own, am sitting here once again, waiting for him to turn upat home. He just doesn’t come back after work and stuff like this. Will tell him now to either make this thing work or end it. I know what’ll happen, anyways. He’ll tell me I’m jealous and exaggerating things. I don’t mind, any longer. The worst of it all- none of us can afford living alone, financially seen. And he’s not even the person I’d ever want to live in a flat sharing cmmunity, due to our differencies, which I gladly ignore, in relationships, I am someone who tries making things work and I’m really a quite patient person…….

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